Who else loves the idea of a new year? After the emotional roller coaster of 2016, I know I am ready to start over completely.
I actually look forward to Mondays, too. Simply because they are a start of a new week for me. A reboot. A retry. If I had a turbulent week/weekend, Monday is always a new hope (that’s for you, princess). These last few months of 2016 have been especially difficult, not just for us Star Wars fans and fans of freedom, but for me personally. Let’s just say I didn’t just fall off of the wagon, I did a face plant and sprained an ankle or two on the way down. It’s time to chase that wagon down, and this time put my seat belt on.
One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to be more honest, so in this post, I’m going to open up for the first time ever about something truly personal for me. The reason why is, I think if I just come out and say it, it will help hold me accountable if I have other people rooting for me, too. I’ve gotten a lot better with the love of Adrian and the love of God, but sometimes I admit, it’s still hard to stay on the right path. Carrie Fisher was so open and honest about her demons, and had so many of us rooting for her, that I can’t help but be inspired to stop hiding and start being bold, like she was. So, here it goes:
I am a recovering Bulimic. I’ve had an eating disorder for 9 years (or more? I’ve lost track). It’s been and uphill battle of recovery for the past 4 years, and although I haven’t completely stopped, I’ve come farther than I ever thought I would. Many years ago, I accepted that I would die at 30 years of age. It’s weird saying that out lout because I can’t imagine how a spunky, bright, full of life girl like myself could so easily accept death at such a young age. I remember the first day that I ate less than 100 calories, and how proud of myself I was. I remember the lunches in 11th grade that I wouldn’t eat and my stomach would growl LOUDLY in science class after. I remember the shame, the guilt, and the hatred I used to feel. I used to be disgusted with myself. I used to truly hate myself. I pushed away every person that I used to hold dear, I was bitter and resentful, sarcastic and rude, and I desperately wanted to fit in. I wanted to be loved, but I didn’t love myself.
Since I am a mere 5’2″, weighing 100 pounds looks normal on me. Gaining 5 pounds is instantly noticeable, and being super model thin is near impossible. I was starving myself, and no one knew. Everyone thought I looked great, which only fueled me more. No one could even tell that I was too thin, because I am so short. I would run in a trash bag and sweats, draining my body of water weight, then sit in a bath of ice water to send my body temperature plummeting so my metabolism would work overtime. I would eat less than 500 calories a day for 3 months, until my brain would snap, and I would be bulimic for 6 months. I’d eat more than 3x what my own brother could eat, throw it up, and do it again. The most I threw up in a day I think was 11 times. Then I would gain 30 to even 40 pounds in 6 months, be mortified, and start starving again. I did this cycle for about 6 years, until a man named Adrain loved me enough to show me that I was beautiful at any weight, and told me he wanted to see me live past 30. He loved me more than I ever thought I deserved, and gave me something to live for.
But, changing a mental illness easier said than done. Thankfully, I no longer starve myself. I eat until I am full, work out sans trash bags and sweats, take normal baths and showers, and love the woman I see in the mirror. However, I still have my days.
Since I only taught myself how to limit my intake and starve, then eat whatever and throw up, I don’t know how to eat healthy. It’s sad, but true! I used to be good at eating fruits and veggies, but I was still limiting what I ate. I used to hate bananas because they have a high calorie count. I swore off orange juice because it is so high in sugar. I used to chunk my dinner from my window and pray the birds found it. So, for the year 2017, I want to eat clean, be healthy, be fit, and do it the right way. Counting calories be dammed!
I currently weigh in at 130 pounds, and the devil on my shoulder is telling me to starve again, but the angel on my shoulder is telling me that this is my chance to restart. So, this year, I am going to do my research, learn what fruits and veggies my body needs, use my love of cooking to heal my body instead of harming it, and train my body to crave a workout instead of dread it. I don’t want to care what the scale says, I want to care what my tummy says. I love myself at this weight, but I didn’t get to this the healthy way. I love myself at a lighter weight, but I need to get there the healthy way.
I know I’m not the only one with a dysfunctional relationship with food and her body. So, who’s with me? Anyone want to take on the new year with grit and determination? Let’s put our health and happiness first and kiss the days of bad habits goodbye!
My upcoming blog posts will be of my health journey! Including my favorite work outs, healthy recipes, what I eat for breakfast, what I love to snack on, meal prep and more! Subscribe if you want to join me on my journey and we can motivate each other to a healthy life in 2017!
All quotes found on Pinterest.
If you have nothing nice to say, that’s okay because I’ll only laugh at your ignorance. i.e. –You don’t know me